Here i am in freeze.
So overwhelmed from the gutting of 2021, im frozen in some kind of funk.
No filter, hair a mess, no makeup (or maybe leftover eyeliner in one eye).
No motivation. No inspiration.
Just blah.
Just sad, sad blah.
SO MANY losses this year.
so SO many.
And the future of humanity looks horrific AF. So many more losses to come.
This year I spent 10 out of the 12 months in limbo.
Couch surfing between family homes.
my life razed
left my parents,
my siblings,
my grandmother,
my cousins,
my home,
my diasporic land,
my only 2 friends left in LA.
lost friendships,
lost plans,
lost hope,
lost communty,
lost BIPOC,
lost state,
lost city.
lost.
Self-exiled.
Betrayed.
Rejected.
Pushed out.
Evicted.
I ran from “liberal” California for a 3rd world military dictatorship.
Because my children are freer here.
Safer here.
Alhamdulillah.
& I’m finally admitting I’m devasted because it’s possible to be sad & grateful at the same time.
I ain’t gonna fight it.
I’m not gonna deny it.
& I’m tired of adding layers of guilt & shame to my feelings.
Yes I’m beyond privileged.
But privilege doesn’t cancel out human feelings.
I can’t trade one for another.
I’ve become diaspora in my ancestral land from my diasporic land.
& I’m grateful & broken,
heartful & shattered,
all at the same time.
And it’s ok. I’ll be ok.
But for now I’m going to be blah sad
while I Praise The Most High 🤲🏾😥